Hope I Make A Lot of Nice Friends Out There...

i am supposed to know about the emmanuel college job this friday. i can't stand the suspense. can you? i also scheduled an interview with stephen f. austin state university in nacogdoches, tx. i'm driving down there next monday, assuming i take a few days to think over the boston offer, which is assuming the offer is extended to me ( and also assuming they are on schedule and call me friday). too much assuming. i know what happens. but i'm already an ass.

this holiday is going to blow. i'll either have a job lined up far away, which will elicit mixed emotions from my extended family, or i won't have a job at all, which means i'll be the loser grandson/cousin/nephew who's 26, has a master's but no job, and no sign of marriage in the immediate future. basically, i'll be seen as the possibly gay worthless bum of the family...and i'm starting to be ok with that. except the gay part. not that there's anything wrong with that. it's just that i still like girls.

i said "i still like girls" as if there's a possibility that might change. there's not. i'm pretty sure.

i would like to take a minute to get serious. today marked the one year anniversary of Cactus's wife's death. Cactus is the afternoon/evening janitor in the UCA student center, and has become an unexpected source of inspiration for me (his real name is Gary Graham). he's the simplest of men. a conversation with him often opens with an observation on the weather, and will inevitably end up with a commentary on his latest squirrel hunting or fishing expedition with his cousin. he is in his late fifties, never finished high school, married young, and has children and grandchildren who live far away. he still cares for his elderly mother in bee branch (who recently fell and broke her hip and wrist). when i worked the night shift as a student center manager, he would bring me a ham sandwich (always with mustard) a bag of funyuns, and an apple for dinner. he was always thinking of the students like that, kind of like we were all his kids. eventually, he talked a few of us into going to eat breakfast with him every month. he insisted that, although it was out of the way, Glory B's in Mayflower couldn't be beat for a good home cooked breakfast. he was right. a few of us have been meeting him out there for breakfast for the past three years now. and he nearly always picks up the bill. he has next to nothing, but is always giving his things and money away to people who seem to need it more than he does. and he never, ever complains. about anything.

Cactus is known for spouting such colloquialisms as:

"if ya see something green, turn the cows into it!"

"whoo, boy. got some of that hot stuff out there." (or wet, if it's raining).

"me and my cousin, went down the pond. caught about a dozen of them slab crappie."

"reckon next time we oughta hit him with a bucket of ice water!" - (in reference to a coworker sleeping in and missing one of our regular breakfast outings).

"sometimes, things that go into the washer just don't come outta the dryer."

he has an uncanny ability to remember people's birth and death dates, particularly his favorite old western movie actors. he can tell you exactly when Gene Autry died, where he's buried, and what killed him. but he can barely read. i remember one evening he brought me a piece of paper he was having trouble with - a survey from the human resources office that all UCA employees had to complete. he couldn't read all of it, so he asked me to do it for him, and show him where to sign. i did, then immediately following, as if to prove his intellect on him own terms, he asked me to "get on that thing right there ( the computer at my desk) and look something up for me." he wanted to know the name of the woman who played Miss Kitty on Gunsmoke. as i began searching the imdb database, i turned to face him. he had a wry grin on his face, and before the page could fully load, he said, "Miss Amanda Blake, 20th of February 1929 to 16th of August 1989. She had the AIDS." he was spot-on.

the point is, no matter how unlikely, Cactus and i have developed a bond. a strange connection or understanding that has grown into genuine caring and friendship. a few weeks ago he showed me a drawing of the headstone he's saving up for. it's one of those double ones - a his and her type deal. one his wife's side, at the top above the name and dates, it says simply, "Mom." and on his, "Dad." he asked me what i thought, and all could say was that it was perfect. he agreed, smiling, then trailed off saying "yeah perfect" and began rubbing his eyes. it was the first time i'd seen him cry in the five years i've known him. all i could say was, "Mary would love it, Cactus. It's beautiful. Just don't go filling it in on your side any time soon." He looked at me, eyes full of tears, and said, "oh, i won't bud. hey, me and my cousin are going up to the pond on saturday. gonna catch some of them slab crappie. think you'd wanna go?"

i didn't see Cactus at work today (he phoned in to say he'd be late - "had to go take care of mother, you know, with her hip and all"). if i had, i would have silently offered a handshake and a pat on the back. maybe even a hug. his wife Mary was his life, and lord only knows what kind of mess he would have turned out to be without her in his life. he's been able to carry on, and fared better on his own than most of us that know him well thought possible. but i know he still misses her. and i know, when i finally leave here, i'll miss him.

so, boys and girls, my point is...if you get a chance today, tomorrow, or whenever during the busy holiday season, and even though you've probably never met him and never will, say a little prayer for my good friend Cactus. you don't have to go eat breakfast with us, or go to the pond for the crappie, but please just send some good thoughts his way. These next few weeks are going to be harder on him than he's going to let on.

sorry that took so long. i just had to get that out. all of the rest of my witty banter will be in the next post. i promise.